My partner has been depressed for years, but won’t seek help

The question I’m a gay man and I’ve been with my partner for more than 20 years, I love him deeply and for years we have had a fabulous relationship. However, over the past few years he has become withdrawn and, stopped taking as much care about his appearance – of which he was always very proud. He’s put on weight and complains about literally everything. It’s as if he goes out of his way to pick holes in everything I say or do. He’s never happy in his job, any work he has he complains about. Everything is wrong in the world.

We haven’t had sex in 10 months, though I have made it clear that if ever he would like to sleep in the bed again with me and have sex even better… The door is always open.

I believe he has undiagnosed and untreated chronic depression. He will admit he get’s depressed, but despite my asking, kindly, gently, he refuses to seek help.

I have stage 4 cancer, which is probably going to be incurable, and I’m assuming this must have had an effect on him, but he refuses to discuss anything. We live under the same roof, but we’re like ships passing in the night.

I’m at my wit’s end and, frankly, I don’t know if I can cope much longer before I must make a decision about leaving him. I don’t know what to do. I get counselling as part of my treatment and my support centre have said it’s available for him, too, if he wants it. I’ve asked him to consider going, but he just shut me down immediately.

Philippa’s answer First, you’ve got stage 4 cancer and I expect you, too, could do with some love and support. You probably have a limited amount of time left. You should be living your best life right now. I’m reminded of a BBC Two documentary by Sue Bourne, called A Time to Live, made with 12 contributors who all had a terminal diagnosis, available on YouTube. It was about how they all, each in their own way, were making the best of the time they had left. I do remember one woman who on hearing she had a limited amount of time remaining, immediately left her husband and learned how to paint. It was about “squeezing the pips out of life”. I thought I’d always come to that film again when the end is in sight.

It would be marvellous if you had an enthusiastic partner who wanted you to get the most out of your life and could share with you the joy and privilege of being alive, but your poor partner is not that. You care about him, until he became ill you had a wonderful life together, so for you to consider leaving him, it must be bad.

If I want anyone to do something for themselves, I realise I also want them to do it for me and so that is how I phrase my request. I remember my late father would never go to the doctor, but he might go if I asked him to go for my sake. I didn’t “You should” him, but I phrased it more like, “It would make me so much happier if you would…” or “Do this for me, please…” Sometimes it worked. But, of course, there is no guaranteed way to make anyone do what they do not want to and sometimes we must resign ourselves to that which is hard.

My guess is that your partner may feel that if he tried to put how he was feeling into words he would somehow fall apart and not be able to put himself back together again. He may be terrified of what he is avoiding thinking and speaking about and, because he dare not look at it, might not even have a clear idea of what it is. Those of us who have had therapy know that facing our demons is not as terrifying as avoiding them, but if you haven’t been there, it is a difficult thing to trust that it will be so.

Sometimes people hate being advised to get help because it may feel to them that they are being pushed away. Really what is happening is that you love them and want them to feel better, but they can hear it as, “I don’t want to cope with you any more, so I’m passing you over to the doctor or to the therapist instead.”

I know it’s a weird thing to do to write to someone who is living in the same house as you, but sometimes if they are closing off their ears, if something is written down and given to them, it is easier to take in. So, you could have a try at writing a letter asking him to get help, perhaps trying to guess why he may not want to go and asking him to try counselling for your sake, and explaining what that would mean to you.

And if nothing works to get him to the doctor, or to counselling, and if he doesn’t improve or do anything to help himself or, indeed, you, then you do have to think how and with whom you spend your limited time, and what would make you more comfortable and happier. The time to squeeze the pips out of life is now.

If you have a question, send a brief email to askphilippa@observer.co.uk