I’ve never had a job or close friends. What is wrong with me? | Ask Philippa

The dilemma I am a woman in my mid-20s. I’ve never had a real job, nor a relationship, nor am I close to my family, and I don’t have any close friends. I am unwanted and unneeded in every aspect of my life.

I have a good degree from a good university, but I cannot find a job, to the point that I have recently stopped applying. My friends keep drifting away, rightfully, as I add little value to their lives. I have never had any man show any interest in me. My family and I have always had a fraught relationship.

Even with strangers, I feel as though people see right through me. I’m beginning to think there must be something so wrong with me that even without interacting, people seem to know they’re best off avoiding me. I don’t know what it is about myself that I should change or where I went wrong in my life or what I can do to feel like anyone wants me.

Philippa’s answer I’m sorry you feel so downhearted and pessimistic. A lot of life is about finding where we belong and finding out, sometimes painfully, where we don’t. Being made to feel unwanted by your family means you are not used to having people pleased to see you and may find it hard to believe when they are.

When we are lonely, the danger is that we hover on the edges and do not put ourselves into the fray. Other social species exhibit the same behaviour when they have been separated from their group – rats, fruit flies – but we have an advantage over those creatures, we can step back, observe ourselves, see what is happening and make the decision to act differently.

It is not rare to be in your 20s never having had a partner. Your value is not determined by whether a man is willing or not to be your boyfriend.

You may feel wholly unappreciated, but that doesn’t prove you are.

Challenge this “all or nothing” way of seeing the world – rarely is anything 100%. We can believe that nobody cares, or we can believe that the world is packed only with interesting people who want to get to know us. Neither scenario is true, of course, but if you’ve trained yourself to believe the former, you’ll be looking at the ground rather than giving people eye contact. Training yourself to believe the latter, instead, will increase your chances of connecting. No one can see straight through you. We can get into the habit of comparing our internal world with the external appearance of others, when all that others see is our external appearance. If you cannot help having a fantasy about what other people may be thinking about you, make it a good one.

We make sense of how we feel by coming up with a narrative and, because it fits our feelings, we believe the narrative to be true. It feels familiar. We mistake familiarity for truth. But we can come up with a different narrative that will change how we feel. Like all things, it takes practice.

About 1% of the population has a brain that works in an atypical way. If you do have such a difference, it does not mean there is anything wrong with you. Different is not wrong. Society needs people whose brains work differently because they have gifts that neurotypical people often do not. If you have an atypical brain – and I cannot stress highly enough that no one can know this based on one email – believe me that you are needed and valuable, both in and out of the workplace. Your good degree proves you have a good brain, whether it is typical or not. The challenges for someone whose brain may be wired differently are the social skills that most people pick up automatically – these may have to be taught to you. If you feel what I am saying is relevant, you can get tested and then hopefully access help.

It is quite likely, however, that your brain is normal. You may be isolated and depressed. If you were at university during the pandemic, then you did not have many of the usual opportunities for socialising. Growing up in a fraught family atmosphere, where you don’t feel valued, also makes you vulnerable to low moods. One of the best ways of managing depression is talking about how you feel and becoming more aware of how you habitually think about yourself.

If you are in the UK, here are some free resources that may be able to help you: ring 111 for NHS mental health advice; make an appointment with your GP. Web resources include sane.org.uk; samaritans.org; mind.org.uk; and autism.org.uk.

Your life is valuable. You might not have found where you fit in yet, but you can do this. Your 20s are a time for experimentation. It’s about trying at least 20 things and failing at 19 of them. Failure is an essential part of success, because if you are not failing, it means you aren’t giving yourself chances. Every failure you experience brings you closer to success. Don’t go into interviews thinking, “I hope they can fix my problem of being jobless” but go in thinking how you can fix their problems. A tweak of attitude like that makes a difference.

Recommended reading: How to Stay Sane by Philippa Perry, published by the School of Life.

If you have a question, send a brief email to askphilippa@observer.co.uk
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